As a parent you do not want to disappoint your child in any which way, neither harm your child’s well-being nor let others do that but sometimes you can end up hurting them with few phrases. At times we parents vent out our rustication, tiredness in a mean way not understanding how a child’s young mind would accept it.
It is true that shaping the unfavourable behaviours of the child is tiresome as well as challenging. However, understanding why certain behaviours occur and how to resolve the issues, between these two processes, the parents can create a thin-layered issue or phrases that can have negative effect on children’s emotional and social development.
Let us analyse few negative phrases to see whether or how it affects parent-child relationship.
1) Don’t act like a child
Disciplining children’s behaviour is the utmost responsibility of every parent. In the process of bringing down discipline few parents expect their children to behave in a matured way beyond their age. Shedding down tears during emotional breakdown is common but it often seems to be incorrect and parents use the phrase don’t cry like a baby or don’t act like a child. Setting boundaries are okay to some extent but it is not necessary that it should match with adult’s behaviour. This makes the child more rigid and stubborn.
Instead try this
“I know that you are having tough time handling your feelings, You can share how are you feeling about it with me or anybody who makes you feel comfortable.”
2) You can’t do this anymore/You always do this only
Children are basically curious about everything. They keep experimenting with many things. When you use these kind of phrases frequently it creates a self-doubt in their ability and they stop being curious and show monotonous way of behaviour. They might bombard you with their curious questions but you should be able to give them satisfactory answers so that they are in that curious track.
Instead try this
Remind yourself that every time they come up with confusions or doubts, make an effort to answer or ask them to give some time and make sure that you have an answer. This also brings a physical connection at that moment with your child.
3) You are not like him/her
We often compare ourselves with others and feel inferior about it and the same tradition continues with children. They get compared for their grades, co-curricular activities, physical appearance, achievements with their fellow classmates, siblings or neighbours. This not only brings inferiority complex but also guilt, shame and hatredness towards oneself and others.
Instead try this
Understand that your child is unique, and has special abilities that need to be shaped and polished. Just like five fingers are not alike, your child’s potential energy might not what you are looking for but definitely the best one.
4) You are a_____(Labeling)
One of the most valuable things parents can do for their children is simply avoid labeling. Certain unacceptable behaviours of children are linked to these labels and often used as nicknames. In few cases children just accept the labels become defensive and prove that it is true by increasing those harmful behaviours.
Instead try this
Sit with the child, ask reasons for those behaviours and try to resolve the issues with them. It seems to be not easy but definitely trying is not bad.
5) You make me sad when you do that
When your child doesn’t listen to you, never try to mix your emotions with the current behaviour of the child. Those feelings are your’s not their’s. When kids feel like they get to decide if you are happy, sad or angry, they may happily take the opportunity to continue to push you down. It also affects their future relationship as they may manipulate others to get what they want.
Instead try this
Situations like when children don’t listen to you, you can give them options as to what to choose. If a child shows tantrum for brushing teeth, you can just give them options as you can brush your teeth either before taking bath or after that.
As children grow up, they become receptive. What we expose them to is most likely what they will carry with them. So it is important to always be conscious of what we say to our children to ensure that they are never wounded by our words and thus, make them feel supported and loved.
