Vidya Bhat, relationship therapist, argues that we are all sexual beings. This understanding is present within all of us at a deeper level. However, societal rules have constrained our thinking, made sex an embarrassing topic to speak of openly and freely and to help our understanding of sex as a holistic way of life. And thus it’s become a taboo, making us sexually illiterate and providing grounds for poor self-actualization, adultery and promiscuousness. The author argues that Sexual literacy will help people become more self-expressed, broadminded and lead more fulfilled lives in society.
Look around you today. Marriages are ending even before they have started. Divorces are rising sharply. Live-in and open relationships are fast becoming preferred choices over the sanctity of marriage. Settled couples are bored with each other. Casual and extra marital affairs, office romances are rife. Individuals are coming out of the closet about their choice of sexuality (the LGBT community), leading to opening up a can of worms, about which society is in denial and not ready to tolerate.We must brace ourselves for the hard ugly truth – the very fabric of human relationships in society is fraying, undergoing an attitudinal metamorphosis. You and only you, as an individual and an integral member of society are responsible for bringing a new, healthy change.
Maslow’s theory of basic human needs places sex as a basic necessity of life. While we have accepted food, clothing and shelter as our basic need for survival, the understanding of sex as a need seems to have gotten a raw deal. It is narrowly understood as purely procreational, while overlooking its other benefits of building self-esteem, bonding, healing. While many have been brought up on the belief that sex is an ugly necessity, not to be spoken of and openly discussed among family, friends and peers, we, as adults have also not questioned ourselves why it has remained a taboo for so long. The time is now for thinking anew, for accepting and making proactive, healthy changes in our understanding of sex and sexuality.
My belief is that this adolescent education is very much incomplete and needs its due completion among adults. The kind of myths, miscommunication and misinformation that is floating among us as adults is causing many gaps in our understandingof our sexual nature and affecting relationships as a result. To cite an example, many growing teenagers turn to porn to explore their sexuality as the knowledge of the birds and bees is not taken up proactively by either parents or teachers at school. Unfortunately, porn is a bad teacher and does not teach them the rules of this game of life as it should be played. Porn becomes their rule book and guide. As they grow older, a few discussions with their peer group further leads to some being misinformed and their twisted understanding of sex leads to them into thinking that sex is all about “intercourse” – the vagina-penis penetration, when in fact, that is the last play of the game. Young men and women get married with this attitude, with the result that sex, instead of being a pleasurable activity of exploring and enjoying each other’s body, becomes a one act play, going straight to penetration without the prelude of foreplay or “outercourse” of enjoying the sensual and intimate aspects of lovemaking, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling, embracing, the eye talk, code language understood only between partners, naughty notes, dirty talk, the sensual provocation of the senses of touch, sight, smell, sound and taste to arouse each other to gradually bringing the act to its natural climax.
The needs of each partnerare not addressed as they face inhibitions in communicating their likes and dislikes, their expectations, their fears and insecurities leading to a lack of confidence and self esteem,poor self image, performance anxiety, shyness and stress all having a bearing on their relationship in the long run.
In a settled marriage, couples believe that just because they have done ‘’it’’ andhave the experience,they know what there is to know about sex. The bedroom scene is now mechanical and non emotional. It is boring. No wonder that couples look outside marriage to get the spark back on instead of internally to keep the spark alive. Couples take each other and sex for granted over a period of time, getting stuck in one chapter with the same moves, instead of moving on to the next with new groovier moves. The worst part is both of them now believe that there is nothing more to learn. What they probably don’t realize is that they have touched the tip of the iceberg and there are a whole lot of moves that they have yet to read, explore and experiment to keep the sexual fires burning bright in their bedroom. It isno wonder that people who have not realized this unwittingly move into casual affairs, extra marital affairs, separation and divorces. Indeed a sad state.
We are all sexual beings. We are born from sex. I am sure this understanding is present within all of us at a deeper level. However, societal rules have constrained our thinking, made it an embarrassing topic to speak of openly and freely and to help our understanding of sex as a holistic way of life. Hence, it becomes important to unlearn and relearn sexuality with acceptance and openness so that you can get accurate information and become sexually literate. Understanding the nuances of sex as a subject will help in better communication, understanding and sensitivity among partners and overcoming of many associated inhibitions and barriers.
Sexual literacy will help people become more self expressed, broadminded and lead more fulfilled lives in society. Remember, what happens at home does not remain at home. The sexual tensions and frustrations from home spill over at work affecting the mind, body and work-life balance. Psychologically, it can lead to poor selfand body image, low self esteem and confidence, poor decision making abilities, inability to resolve conflicts and fears, aggression and violence. Physically, sexual health issues likeerectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculations, sexually transmitted infections and diseases, painful intercourse are commonly seen among young adults. This is an alarming trend.
The intention of this article is to let people know that it is important to continually educate ourselves throughout life to become sexually literate. There is a need to reach out to many with this education as sexualproblems increase and relationships wither away making people cynical, disillusioned and unhappy. Personal and work life is negatively affected leading to depression, suicidal tendencies and violence. Our intention is to let people know that it is okay to talk about sex openly to your close family and friends especially when you face a problem. It is okay to visit a counsellor when you are not able to cope with the problem on your own. While it is difficult to talk about sexual issues, it is important for these sensitive issues to be addressed. Visiting a counsellor who has trained in sexual health will be able to help you to understand the subject better, guide you in making your choices and decisions and dispel myths and misconceptions. A doctor is recommended only when they believe there is a need for medical intervention. It is the right of every individual to be sexually literate and everybody, young and old, should strive to get right, accurate information to lead more content, peaceful and happier relationships.
Question: Hello Dr Deshpande. My wife and I have been married for 6 months. We are both working in a bank. We have not been able to have intercourse even once. I have been married previously and the marriage lasted 3 months. I was unable to have intercourse there too. I believe that this is due to problems at my end. I am unable to penetrate and the reason could be due to excessive masturbation when young. Kindly help me. Thanks. – Mr. AB
Dr Deshpande:
Dear Mr. AB, thanks for the query. It appears that your marriage has been unconsummated (one where intercourse has not happened at all). There could be multiple factors for the same. I get the impression that there appears to be gaps in your knowledge of sexuality. I don’t blame you for this, but say it based on your query. Masturbation is not the cause for non-consummation. In fact you should not blame yourself solely. The reason being that the act itself requires that both of you work together.
Under these circumstances, we need to do a detailed assessment. I suggest that you and your wife see a specialist, a sexologist initially for assessment to see where the issue is – it could be with either of you or both (for example it could be an issue with your technique). The assessment will be followed by treatment which includes individual and couple counselling. Gaps in knowledge and techniques could be bridged through such counselling. If needed medical investigations and treatments can also be considered. Good luck.
