“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here’s the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)
The outcome of the Karnataka Assembly election and its aftermath can bring a smile to even the grumpiest of gits on its own steam – such is the fun factor therein. Some though, may miss the humour in the situation – I do hope you are not one of them. It is for them that I add my two bits.
The Karnataka Election was a hard-fought thriller that went down to the wire – much like RCB’s last match against SRH which has given them a whisper of hope against hope of making it to the playoffs. That it is still on the wire as this piece is being published is another story, but let’s review the events of the week tongue firmly in cheek. This exercise can only help beneficially stretch our facial muscles as we head into June, a month dedeciated to Yoga (and pathanjali products perhaps to enhance the bend)
Yeddyurappa sneered, Siddaramaiah cried, Congress died, and HDK smiled on HD TV in our living room! All in the space of a day, the 15th – the day on which what you did in the polling booth on the 12th came back to hug you or haunt you – depending on what you did!
The Karnataka elections, like the Lok Sabha elections in 2014 showed that democracy as it is practised in India is a gold mine for stand-up comedy – The party that had the highest vote share came second in the seat spoils, the party that came second in vote share came 1st in the seat spoils and the party that came third in the vote share, had a disproportionate number of seats that enabled it to dictate the quantum and quality of dowry to those that approached it for a marriage of convenience. It’s time India shifted to an adaptation of the MMP vote system used in New Zealand or Germany to take the humour out of the situation – Not sure if that is a good thing in India – our already limited sense of humor might totally vanish! But when something works well for those who think it works well for them…Well, who will descend into it to clean it up? It is easier to remonstrate in it (the well of the house) to block such depraved thoughts!
All the newspapers reported it, the biggest news of the week – That the new Karnataka Assembly is well hung. But its staying power remains to be seen. Can it last more than 15 days? Or does it need a dose of Viagra from the Centre to raise the bar? Certainly a dose of 7 tabs at the least may be required to enhance the staying capacity and undoubtedly there is plenty available in the National capital from where it can be flown in. No doubt, the tabs are costly, but under the newly announced National Health Protection Scheme, provisions have been made with an initial allocation of Rs: 10,000 crores for this year and the next. That’s what media reports say.
It is but natural that Governors across India are keen to explore all options to form stablestate governments (that is their role), with all the horses in, and the door well bolted – as they did in Manipur, Meghalaya, Bihar (the second time around)and Goa. However in Bengaluru the climate is different – more salubrious, barring the occasional thunderstorm – and the Governor thought differently. Also it seems that he is pretty much old school – all calculations done with pen and paper, not a calculator or a computer. So whenever he got stuck with these complicated mathematical calculations, he may or may not have resorted to the KBC equivalent of ‘Phone a friend’ to seek advice. We must not speculate.
What we do know is that the mathematical equation that he arrived at finally and rather quickly considering the figures involved, was one which he felt would provide our beleaguered state with a stable government. It was a complex piece of math that surprised many and would have certainly fascinated Ramanujam, the great Indian mathematical genius, had he been alive. It went thus: 78+38+1 = 117 (=>112) < 104+x = ~(Where x is not ex but unknown and ~ is infinity)! QED. With that end result, he invited the head of the single largest party (by seats) to form the Government and the great Bengaluru Derby began (the Derby is an annual flat race for three-year-old horses, founded in 1780 by the 12th Earl of Derby and run on Epsom Downs in England in late May or early June). It’s anybody’s guess who the Earl of Bengaluru is…
By the morning of the 16th, reminiscent of a family drama, the facial expressions of the key players reversed, as events vaulted the closed Shiradi Ghat to the Raj Bhavan and from there boarded a midnight flight to the Supreme Court which graciously decided to open its doors to the aggrieved (those on the left of the equation (they consider themselves left of centre that’s why they are on the left of the equation) and therefore left out of government formation perhaps). The media respectfully reported that the Supreme Court and Lawyers stayed awake burning the early morning oil trying to figure out what was best for democracy after it was redefined in Karnataka. At the end of three hours of deliberation, and before the dawn of a new day and a new Karnataka as promised to the people of the state, the conclusion was – Que Sera Sera – what will be will be.
And so it was – the horses became confused and looked all around to see who will feed and groom them well over the next five years – after all they too wanted a clean and neat stable in which they could rest after a hard day’s work. But soon the Supreme Court, having acquired the required information, directed that the stable be cleaned and populated within 48 hours and the parties began scrambling for horse power on a war footing- the horses now felt trapped by the hidden blockchain at the stable door….
But it was not only the newly elected peoples’ representatives of Karnataka that were feeling empowered yet powerless. The citizens of Karnataka too felt the same, when post the appointment of a CM, huge ads appeared informing them of a 35 paisa hike in power tariffs – Citizens cheered, for this they assumed was just the beginning of a new Karnataka, the one they had all waited five years for.
The Karnataka election, being the thriller it was, saw huge efforts in terms of campaigning by the contending parties. All the candidates and their teams were continuously on the move in various forms of transport reaching out to the people of Karnataka spreading their message of a new Karnataka. In addition they herded people into various open spaces in busses and lorries giving them an all found solution for a day’s earnings to listen to their and their mentors’ oratorical mastery. This campaign on wheels required a heavy consumption of fuel – Petrol and Diesel – the price of which used to fluctuate upwards on a daily basis in Old Karnataka. So someone somewhere up north decided that it should be frozen until people decided which kind of a new Karnataka they wanted. Once that was decided they set them on fire – seemingly sure that people in a new Karnataka will not mind the heat. After all people love new stuff until it gets old.
In the midst of all the brouhaha about who will form the government in Karnataka, 18 people people died in Varanasi, the PM’s Constituency (the second one from which he contested in 2014) when an under construction flyover collapsed on street vendors. Condolences and compensation were immediate (before another one collapses due to negligence) – as immediate as formation of a government in Karnataka- but the natural consequence of such accidents is that their families will never be able to fly over it.
Last Word:
The BJP, which emerged as the largest single party by seat numbers, and might yet form a government if it can generate the required horse power, had made alleged corruption under the Siddaramaiah government a major electoral plank. In its manifesto it promised to restore the efficacy of the office of Lokayukta, the anti- corruption ombudsman (in complete contrast to its inaction on the Lokpal for over four years – Contrast shown only to enhance the image). Now that they are in office, some were wondering aloud if they would re-appoint the erstwhile Lokayuktha Justice Santhosh Hegde to the post (to ensure that efficacy is restored). The manifesto also said that there will be a 24×7 anti-corruption helpline directly under the chief minister’s office to enable people to report instances of corruption. I have nothing to add to this beneficial assertion except to wonder who will pick up the phone at the other end. And there will be a Whistle Bhagya – the Manifesto promised to enact a Karnataka Whistle-blower Act to protect those exposing corruption.
Have a good weekend – tis the last one of the old Karnataka – next week onwards we will see a new Karnataka – and have a great week ahead.
The author may be contacted at brian@newskarnataka.com
