“Laughter is an instant vacation.” said Milton Berle. Here at NK, we would like to contribute to lightening your mood in preparation for a meaningful and relaxed weekend. So here’s the tongue- in-cheek look at the events of the week gone by that you’ve been waiting for :)
We are in the last week of what has been an ‘eventful’ year. And that’s how your years should pass – eventfully, not eventually! – Much like your ECG – up and down. A flat ECG signifies death or severe depression and revives only with electro convulsive therapy (ECT) or Ventricular fibrillation (VF) both of which involve shocking the shell off you! (Hell out of you, for those whose dopamine levels are low) There is a beneficial a by-product – stand up and sit down comedians draw a lot of inspiration from the events that make up the eventful year. In fact it is the butter for their Bread. Mind it! This line is not inspired by an Amul Butter hoarding!
But the dawn of the New Year may never be seen in the disco light at the stroke of Midnight of Dec 31st, only in the coastal sunlight the next day. Various groups that believe that it is not Indian Culture to party hard at the end of a long year, are up in arms against the police and the organizers of such events aka valentine’s day. The Police have allowed the party to go on till midnight precisely and not even one minute into the new year – the funny part is that Auld Lang Syne, the traditional Scottish song sung at the close of the year is a minimum 2 and half minutes long!. The groups believe that it is an unnecessary opportunity for cross cultural bonding and it’s best avoided before the year closes – Who knows how an innocent New Year greeting will end?
A truly eventful incident took place in our National Capital toward the end of the last week – The CBI Court, in what has come to be known as the 2G Spectrum Scam Case, delivered an acquittal to all the 19 accused after six years. The Political, Media, and the Telecom Spectrum in the country were rocked, while the Judiciary rocked!
A few things became clear post the verdict: police and policy must be kept apart despite sounding alike; oral opinions and media sermons are not evidence; and the value of zero is really zero, when the basis is unreal.
The place where you may find a real basis for the value of Zero, is the liability pages of the banks’ account books, which have lent some 1- 4 lakh crore (estimates vary) to the telecom companies to bid in the auctions conducted by the Government of India, and create infrastructure and until now, had supposedly no clue as to how they are going to service the debt. They realised that if grease will not help, maybe a water wash would – but the water flow was limited! Now they have a glimmer of hope – they believe that if they are able to garner some compensation for the cancellation of their original licence, they may be able take with one hand and give with the other! The secret of the telecom sector, it would appear, is to be ‘freely self-reliant’ as far as funds and friends are concerned.
The fudder it goes, the blander it gets, but the grinder is good – it produces high quality masala at the end – much like those Bollywood revenge movies of the 70’s and 80’s – Bees saal baad! Indeed Bees Saal Baad, the political spectrum was rocked again when the judiciary pronounced that one man’s poison is another man’s fodder! And the twain can never be mixed to the detriment of the health of the common man or his cattle!
After demonetisation, the number of taxpayers increased by 19.5 per cent from 3.25 crore to 3.89 crore during the current financial year, the government told Parliament this week. The written statement also said that the quantum of net direct tax collections in FY 2017-18 (up to November, 2017) has increased to Rs. 4.8 lakh crore (provisional) as compared to Rs. 4.20 lakh crore collected during corresponding period of last year registering a growth rate of 14.3 per cent.
This, the statement, said was the result of actions taken by the government which included surveys, demonetization and raids. We must pat ourselves on the back. After all returns and income are rising at more than the inflation rate or the rate of interest!. Yet there is a golden cloud behind the silver lining – 3.89 Crore ITR’s for a population of 120 Crore – 3.24% while collections at 4.8 Lakh Crore, are under half of the NPA’s at 8 Lakh Crore! – The lesson – it’s easier to live on borrowed money!
In August this year, it was reported that the central government ordered the doubling of the quantum of the monthly increase in domestic LPG cylinder price to Rs 4 from Rs 2 which it was till then to hasten the end of the subsidy regime for the kitchen fuel. Not many may be aware of this fact perhaps because food prices were rising more rapidly – so the use of gas was reducing proportionately.
By June 2017, state-run fuel retailers started raising the price of refills by Rs 4 every month. Until then, retailers had been raising the price by Rs 2 every month since a July 2016 order from the oil ministry. In October, the government doubled back, withdrawing its decision as the move was seen contrary to its Ujjwala scheme of providing free cooking gas connections to the poor. But the cylinders are now more like vegetables, inert, inactive and minimally used, because they can’t afford the real things!
The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests that a trio of events or characters is more humorous, satisfying, or effective in execution of the story and engaging the reader. The reader or audience of this form of text is also thereby more likely to remember the information conveyed.
The reader or the audience in the context of a Marriage, will also remember the information conveyed under the rule of three and the intention behind it, clearly and without humour, for it would have destroyed her life that that of her children in a most disheartening and cruel manner. After the highest court in the land, said that the rule of three is not for thee, the Lok Sabha, yesterday with all on board, some at the steering wheel, some right behind and some in the stern, banned the rule. It now awaits the go ahead of the Rajya Sabha, which is ruled by more than three!
The Defence Minister and the dynamic Indian Army Chief must be a happy lot these days. Besides their strong well equipped infantry and artillery teams, they can now rely on Senas of various hues that now abound in India. They are self-raising, self-proclaimed, telegenic, armed, and aggressive and have all vigour and vitality and justifiable fighting causes of a newly raised well trained battalion. Brigadiers too must be a happy lot, for a lot of these Senas, are McCaulian in education and call themselves brigades! They are able to (unofficially) legislate, debilitate, and destroy notional enemies with ease. The silver lining? India will never require a compulsory draft like the US did during the Vietnam War! However bringing them together for a common cause that is India – that will be the true test of leadership. Perhaps herding them into a cinema hall before the start of a movie might help?
Have a good weekend and an eventful 2018!
