News Karnataka
Friday, February 03 2023

NK Satire: The week that was Nov 4 to 10

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Mitron! Can you see the PM in Delhi? I doubt it. The visibility is so poor. Maybe that’s why he is on television most of the time! But seriously, it is doubtful if you would have been able to see the tallest statue too, if it had been built there. It might well be in future, given the statue building spree we are embarked on to celebrate our past at current and future cost!

Certainly, you will not be able to spot the PM 5.6 with the naked eye or even an eye for the naked! This is because the PM (I am referring to Particulate matter in the air measured in microns, and not the PM, his chest size or the gun) is measured in Microns, not mitrons or inches! PM 2.5 at anything more than 30 is more than what the WHO has prescribed as good for human beings. PM 5.6 too was very high after the Diwali celebrations – and not because of the gun powder being burnt in Dantewada or Kashmir…

Given the circumstances, the Supreme Court limited the atmospheric exposure of the sound, light and particulate matter of crackers to two hours a day in a cracker of a judgement. They had faith in the people. But the people or for that matter law enforcement had no faith in them and followed those orders like a breech delivery. It was much like what happens during riots – the sounds are the same perhaps. And the PM only grew stronger by the hour to reach dangerous proportions (particulate matter I mean), though the name doppelganger is also growing stronger with each statue and statute!

But then which Supreme Court order is actually implemented, any idea mitron? – Police reforms, nah!, Sabarimala, nah!, Triple Talaq, nah! Appointment of Judges, Nah!,Lokpal, Nah!. Ah there is one – Investigation into a judge’s death, Yeees! You know what – the message going out is that the coated do not court, and therefore cannot rule or even overrule the people’s quote!

Beijing in China has a similar Air Quality Index (AQI) issue, but like all Chinese goods it doesn’t last so long because it is Chinese. But seriously, they have a method to deal with it – Limiting private vehicles, building a decent public transport system, fines on local area governing bodies for exceeding AQI limits etc. India has its own methods – more private vehicles to boost GDP, profits and employment, narrower roads with higher road taxes, an old is gold policy, and burning crop stubble the old fashioned way.

The irony is that the PM, who was distraught at the criticism of his demonetization move two years ago had said in its wake, in an emotionally charged but combative public speech in Goa it was his duty to fight black money. “I will not be cowed down. I will not stop doing these things, even if you burn me alive,” he said.

Let me remind you Mitron on the 2nd anniversary of Demonetization, of the promise of the Governor of the Reserve Bank of India on each every currency note you hold (except Re 1 which anyway is already out of circulation because you can’t buy anything with it), “I promise to pay bearer the sum of Rs: “. It now appears that he won’t be able to fulfil his promise, when asked to by the public, because the Government wants to take over his (the RBI’s) reserves (which is to be used for contingencies) to the extent of Rs: 3.6 Lakh Crores to spend on statues or statutes or NPA’s. And the reluctance to part with it possibly stems from the fact, the RBI anticipates such contingencies will happen in the near future, given the current macro-economic situation, the extent of the NPA Mess, the sliding rupee and the rising crude oil prices. Rumours in the Media at the end of the week, have it that the Governor will resign and the promise will be just another New Year resolution! You know what happens to them.

There are two reports from the World Bank, one of which was hailed by the government as proof of its pudding being good, while the other, was trashed by the same government. After shouting from the statue tops (and that’s pretty high up currently) about the World Bank rating the country at 77 (up 23 places) out of 190 on its ease of doing business (A press conference was held by the FM too), the government on Thursday rejected the findings of the World Bank’s Human Capital Index (HCI), which has placed the country at 115th position out of 157 countries on various parameters, such as survivability measured by under-five mortality rate. Now read the statement issued by the Finance Ministry. “The government of India, therefore, has decided to ignore the HCI and will continue to undertake its path-breaking programmes for human capital development aiming to rapidly transforming quality and ease of life for all its children,” No press conference needed for this piece of quality satire – Indeed I am reminded of Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes Minister! Incidentally India’s place on the United Nations World Happiness Report is at a lowly 133 out of 155 – Maybe people were not happy to stand in the queue for their own money?The PM said (not Particulate Matter this time) they were, and maybe the United Nations missed that happiness on the ground.

Happiness is serving each other and the people as a couple and maybe, just maybe the World Happiness Report did not capture the happy newsthat emerged from the by-polls in Karnataka last week. Despite their not too happy marriage, the JDS and the Congress swept the by-polls with 4:1 margin even winning Ballari with a huge margin. Uniquely, the CM of Karnataka and his wife will be together at all times, inside and outside the assembly after she won from Ramanagara constituency! Not sure if that makes for a happy marriage – you can’t hang out with the boys! And besides either of them can’t withdraw support now can they?

Last word
Victors are Scripters. Seen on WhatsApp: Breaking news – In keeping with the policy of reframing history and renaming cities, the Centre has decided to change the name of Diwali as there is “Ali” in it. From next year it will be called the DeenDayalUpadhyay Light and Sound Festival.

I do hope you had wonderful festival of lights that fired up your home and life, and yet didn’t burn your wallet.

Have a good weekend and a great week ahead.

The author can be contacted at

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Brian Fernandes

Brian is an alumnus of Roshni Nilaya’s Post Graduate School of Social Work, HR Department and has 30 years of local and international HR and General Management experience. Journalism, poetry, and feature writing is a passion which he is now able to pursue at will. Additionally, he loves compering and hosting talk shows. He loves learning and imparting it; so, when time permits, he provides leadership facilitation and soft skills training to Postgraduate students and Corporates in Mangaluru and Bengaluru. Besides, he is an accomplished Toastmaster under the aegis of and a designated Distinguished Toast Master.

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